


i'm flying blind (and i'm making this up as i go)

by ftmpeter



Series: i never promised you your dream boy [7]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Implied/Referenced Mental Health Issues, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Trans Male Character, Trans Peter Parker, i love the sarcasm that just radiates from that tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23022556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ftmpeter/pseuds/ftmpeter
Summary: One of the first things that Tony does once Peter tells him he’s trans is research.He might have an insanely high IQ, but he’s never paid much attention to LGBT+ issues besides what he occasionally skims over on social media because, well, why should he?(It occurs to him, then, that maybe that’s a little ignorant.)(Okay, a lot ignorant.)(It’s not that he’s, like, a bigot or anything. Hell, he had experimented so much in his college days that if he was, it would not only be extremely hypocritical, but also just a huge dick move. Tony might be a dick, but he’s notthatkind of dick.)Anyways.He researches.
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: i never promised you your dream boy [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1497749
Comments: 24
Kudos: 380





	i'm flying blind (and i'm making this up as i go)

**Author's Note:**

> set a little bit after the first fic in this series. i never did say this was going to be in order
> 
> if you didn't read the tags, there are some potentially triggering topics discussed in this, such as the increased likelihood of trans folks attempting suicide as well as suffering from mental illness, so please exercise caution while reading! it's nothing extreme, but i know from experience that that doesn't always change the impact it can have. take care of yourselves <3

One of the first things that Tony does once Peter tells him he’s trans is research.

He might have an insanely high IQ, but he’s never paid much attention to LGBT issues besides what he occasionally skims over on social media because, well, why should he?

(It occurs to him, then, that maybe that’s a little ignorant.)

(Okay, a lot ignorant.)

(It’s not that he’s, like, a bigot or anything. Hell, he had experimented so much in his college days that if he was, it would not only be extremely hypocritical, but also just a huge dick move. Tony might be a dick, but he’s not _that_ kind of dick.)

Anyways.

He researches. 

The clock next to his bed glows 3:07 AM, and Tony’s wide awake, as per usual. It’s completely dark in his room save for the dim light from his phone shining on his face. His thumbs do that weird dancing thing over his keyboard, unsure of what to type, before he sighs and taps out _transgender teen?_ , including the question mark, in the hopes that it will yield something useful.

God, he really has no idea what he’s doing.

After it loads, Tony is met with some pictures from Google Images, pictures of smiling kids who are adorable, sure, but definitely not the one he's trying to learn about. He skips over them, scrolling past a couple of news articles with headlines like " _Arrest made in connection with murder of transgender teen,_ " and " _Memorial held for transgender teen that took own life,_ " that make him cringe and feel sort of sick to his stomach in a way he doesn’t quite understand. The thought of anything bad happening to Peter because people don’t like an intrinsic part of him is anxiety-inducing, to say the least. Shit, the thought of anything bad happening at _all_ is bound to give him a heart attack one of these days.

It feels like ages, reading such depressing information and having his mood get lower and lower with each one, but Tony eventually gets to actual links. There's websites he doesn't recognize the name of, thumbnails to videos he would rather not watch, and he stares at all of them just a little bit helplessly. Clicking one at random, he realizes that he’s never felt so out of his element before. It’s unsettling.  
  
_So your child is going through a transgender phase, and you're understandably confused. Where did this phenomenon start?_

Tony immediately clicks the back button, rolling his eyes. He might be ignorant, he might not know everything there is to know about this, but he's not stupid, especially not to the point where he's going to listen to some uneducated spiel about how today's youth only follows the latest trends and this is just another one of them. He saw Peter the day he came out. He saw him have a breakdown, saw him sink down crying because he was so afraid of the reaction he'd get. Phase his ass.

The next few results are a bit more promising, and Tony decides that the one titled _How To Best Be There For Your Transgender Teen_ sounds good enough. Never mind the implication that Peter’s his kid. It’s too late to consider semantics.

 _Any parent knows how challenging_ _a teenager can be.._

Tony smirks. He wonders how the author of this would feel if they had to handle a certain high school aged vigilante, who also happens to possess superpowers and a flagrant disregard for his own personal safety. And an annoying habit of eating everything in sight.

He should check on his cereal stash after this.

_But it gets even more so when they come out as something that you might have never even heard before. In its simplest terms, being transgender means that you do not identify with the sex you were assigned at birth. While most of us never think twice about it, trans individuals do, and it can cause a significant amount of distress when addressed by the wrong pronouns, the wrong name, or forced to adhere to gender roles that do not fit._

While the definition itself is not particularly new information to Tony, it is a bit of a jolt to read that he could upset a person just by saying _she_ or _he_ and not even realize it. How many times could he have done that in the past? He’s interacted with thousands of people throughout his life, a side effect of being known before he even took his first steps, so there’s bound to be an instance where he did that.

Why does that make him feel guilty?

_The single most important thing for any teenager, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity, is that they feel supported. Oftentimes, parents do not approach specific topics with their children as it’s uncomfortable or strange to talk about, but it is vital to do so in order to form a healthy relationship and establish open communication._

Tony can’t help but think back to Howard, his tendency to put walls up in the place of emotions and his refusal to acknowledge the fact that his son had them too. _Definitely nailed that, Dad._

_Trans people are at a higher risk of attempting suicide due to a variety of reasons; some of which being external discrimination, societal or familial rejection, and untreated or unbearable gender dysphoria._

He stiffens. He stares at that sentence, barely noticing when it begins to blur and merge together incomprehensibly.

_Studies have also shown that self-harming behaviors as well as general mental health issues are prevalent in the community.._

Back up. Back way up.

Peter can’t be apart of those statistics. He wouldn’t. Surely not. He would.. tell him if he was feeling that way. Or May. Or someone. Right?

.. Right?

"Shut up," Tony mumbles. It’s a habit of his, to reprimand himself when his paranoia-fueled thoughts get too insistent. "You’re being dramatic."

Is he, though? Peter has always been an enigma, a puzzle he still doesn’t have all the pieces to. Is it so far-fetched to think that he would keep his feelings locked away, invisible to anyone on the outside looking in?

Checking the time again, Tony groans when he sees that it's almost five o'clock. It's not much of a surprise, to be fair, as his insomnia has always been working against him, but. Still.

He shuts his phone off and tosses it to the side, a hand involuntarily reaching up and running across his face. He shouldn't be so worried over something like this. Peter is _fine_. Nothing says otherwise. Nothing is a red flag. He's fine and if Tony wasn't 100% sure, which he is, he could just _ask_. It's not that serious.

Satisfied in his attempt at convincing himself, Tony rolls over in his bed, waiting for sleep to pull him in.

-

It doesn’t.

Obviously.

He gives up and gets dressed around eight, tiredly making a cup of coffee that’s on the stronger side. He absentmindedly takes a sip of it as he sits down at his desk, slowly working his way through the mountain of paperwork Pepper had pushed his way a few weeks ago. It’s a lab day, thank God, and Peter tends to message him in the hours leading up to one, so Tony keeps an eye on his darkened phone. About an hour in, the expected notification pops up.

> ptrprkr: personally, i think calculus is a cruel and unusual form of punishment

Tony lets out the breath that he didn’t even know he was holding. _See, idiot? The kid’s fine._

> tony: I can think of about a hundred different things that are more cruel than that, but whatever makes you feel better, kid.

Peter’s typing bubble appears nearly instantly.

> ptrprkr: mister stark, please let me complain in peace
> 
> ptrprkr: like
> 
> ptrprkr: why did they have to add letters to math of all things?
> 
> ptrprkr: it’s mean

> tony: Ah, yes, they chose to do that specifically to inconvenience you and no one else. How rude.
> 
> ptrprkr: finally! someone understands!
> 
> ptrprkr: flash keeps sucking up to the teacher, i’m gonna kms
> 
> tony: Kms?
> 
> ptrprkr: kill myself. it’s an acronym

Tony’s grip on his pen tightens, just slightly. It’s a joke, he _knows_ it’s a joke, and he’s an entire generation removed from Peter’s sense of humor so of course some things might be harder to understand, but what he read earlier is playing on repeat in his mind. _Trans people are at a higher risk of attempting suicide.._

> tony: A little dramatic, don't you think?
> 
> ptrprkr: gtg, teacher just called me out 4 texting in class :(

It's a perfectly reasonable explanation, Tony knows. It makes sense, and he shouldn't be worrying, let alone be on the verge of full-blown panic. But anxiety doesn't function on the same level that logic does. So he drops his pen and scratches at his face, deliberately ignoring the increased beating of his heart and the intrusive thoughts that crowd into his imagination.

By the time school lets out for Peter, Tony is a nervous wreck, pacing back and forth in the lab and messing with any object that's within reach. He's really, really not experienced in the field of vulnerability. How the hell does he let someone know that he cares about them without coming across as weird? Or, worse, creepy? He doesn't think he could handle that. He would have to just erase himself from the planet. He could do that. He has the resources to do that. Why hasn't he done that?

He's so caught up in his downwards spiral that he doesn't catch F.R.I.D.A.Y informing him that the kid's arrived, so when the doors slide open, he flinches. And Tony Stark hasn't done that in years, thank you very much.

"Hey, Mr. Stark!" Peter says breathlessly, rushing in. He throws his backpack on the nearest available surface, which happens to be a table. "What are we doing today? Oh, could we work on that rocket thingy for my suit? I know it was just a dumb idea but I was thinking and it would be _so_ cool if I could - "

"Calm down, Underoos," Tony laughs, the first real one in over a day. "An excitable you mixed with the possibility of a rocket launcher? Not the best idea. Reel it in."

"I resent that."

"You were meant to, kid."

Peter picks up a spare rubber band, twisting it into complicated shapes. "No, but really, what are we working on?"

Tony's throat goes a little dry. He could easily pretend he slept at an appropriate time last night and did not read anything that made his overprotective instincts go into overdrive, but if he does that, he wouldn't have any argument against the clusterfuck that is his brain. So he swallows his pride the best that he can and goes, "Actually, I sort of wanted to talk to you about something, if that's okay?"

He does an internal fist pump for getting through that sentence. Go him.

"Uh, sure?" Peter answers. He looks concerned, uneasy. "Is everything good?"

"Yeah! I mean, yeah, everything's fine." Tony lapses into another silence, considering his next move. He must be silent for a bit too long, because Peter shifts awkwardly.

"So why did you want to talk to me?" Peter winces the moment those words leave his mouth, and he quickly backtracks. "Wait, I didn't mean it like that. I'm always up to talk, it's just that, well, you know, you don't usually do this kind of thing out of the blue, and you don’t seem mad at me, but, like, did I do something wrong? If this is about the toaster I _specifically_ told F.R.I.D.A.Y to remind me when it was done, so it wasn't my fault, really!"

"Kid, you didn't do - wait, what are you talking about?"

"Oh, uh. Nothing?"

Tony raises an eyebrow at him. Peter holds his hands up defensively. "Happy fixed it?"

"You know what, keep that secret. I don't want to know." Tony taps his fingers against the rough fabric of his jeans, internally cursing himself. He's looking for an easy way to approach the conversation he'd originally set out to have, but nothing good is coming to mind. How do you tell someone that you're worried about their mental health after a Google search at three in the morning? Why is he doing this again?

_To be supportive, dumbass._

Oh. Yeah.

Fuck.

"Well," he starts, feeling less eloquent than he ever has in his entire life, "I was, uh, conducting research, you see."

"Research?" Peter’s expression alternates between confusion and amusement, prompting Tony to speak faster.

"Yeah. About LGBT things. LGBT+? It’s LGBT+, right? Wait, I sound dumb."

Why this is something he’s stuttering and stammering over is a mystery. Tony is a grown man, for Christ’s sake, talking to a _teenager_. He’s been smoother with potential business clients. He’s been smoother with world leaders interested in his company. He’s even been smoother with Pepper in the early days of their relationship, which is really saying something.

But Peter is Peter and somehow, the worry of fucking up is now very, very real and very, very daunting.

"So I was just doing some good old-fashioned Internet hunting, because, well, I don't know as much about this as I should, and I found these super depressing statistics about the suicide risk in trans kids your age, and - "

"Wait, you - "

"And I don’t want you to feel like you can’t come to me, because that’d be a shitty thing to do and you absolutely can whenever you want, but also I know you have your weirdly attractive aunt and that friend of yours - Ned, is it? - so you probably don’t need me giving you any advice but just so you know - "

"Mr. Stark, I - "

"You don’t even have to talk to me, I mean, you can talk to Pepper, because God knows she’s better than me at literally everything, or F.R.I.D.A.Y if you really want to because if robots could have soft spots she’d probably have one for you - "

"Mr. _Stark._ "

Tony stops, suddenly aware of the telltale ache in his jaw from talking too much. He looks over at Peter.

"I.. was rambling, wasn’t I?"

He nods. Then giggles. Then bursts out laughing.

"Yeah, yeah, make fun of me," Tony grumbles, no real heat behind it. "Make fun of the person who implements the safety features in your suit, that’s a great idea."

"I'm not making fun of you," Peter insists, doing his best to have a neutral expression. His smile betrays him, though. "I'm not."

"Right, right."

"I'm not!"

"Just.. you get my point, no?" There’s a shred of doubt in there, and Tony has to forcibly remove it in order to maintain his smooth, even tone. "I’m here for you."

Peter falters. He looks at the floor, then up at him again. Scratching the palm of his hand, he answers softly, "Yeah. Yeah, I know. Thank you."

There’s something unsaid between them, something slipping through the cracks, and Tony can’t figure out if he should press or not. Is there a map for this kind of thing? A guidebook? Maybe he should ask Pepper.

For now, he just reaches forward and, after a split second of an unspoken question and a nod from him, he tugs Peter in for a hug.

Taking a deep breath, he unconsciously memorizes the way Peter’s head fits so naturally in the crook of his neck, the way his arms wrap around his sides like they’ve done a million times. It’s comforting, in a way. It’s comforting to hold someone who has become a part of you.

"Alright, alright," he says, finally getting a handle on his emotions and breaking the hug. "All this lovey-dovey stuff is making me have an allergic reaction."

Peter grins. "You love it, don’t lie."

 _I do,_ he thinks. _A lot more than you know._

**Author's Note:**

> point out the musical reference not only in the title but in the fic itself and i will give you one (1) badge of honor


End file.
